How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding the pill in the right hand. As you gradually ease the cat's mouth open in this fashion, pop the pill into its mouth and allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from sofa. Cradle the cat in left arm again and repeat the process.

3. Retrieve cat from under bed in the main bedroom and throw away the soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of its mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden to assist.

6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from its foil wrap. Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from floor and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw and force cat's mouth open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.

9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans. Drink beer to take away the taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm. Remove blood from carpet with soap and water and discard shredded towel in waste bin.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck thus leaving only the head protruding. Force mouth open with spoon and, however much it takes, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on it's hinges. Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink in one gulp. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect and toss back another shot for good measure. Throw T-shirt in bin next to shredded towel.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve bloody cat from tree across the road and apologise profusely to neighbour who crashed into his pool whilst swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of metal garden chair with twine. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into cat's mouth, followed by a large piece of steak. Hold cat's head vertical and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room for stitching of your fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from your left nostril. Call in a garden centre on way home to get new garden chair.

15. Arrange with RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and find out if they have any hamsters that need a good home.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.